We Peace Corps Volunteers, like all people thrown en masse into a situation with no set instructions, compare ourselves to one another like it’s our job. It’s like high school: you are surrounded by the same small group of people, sub-grouped into four classes… and we, still the most recent arrivals until June when a new wave of Trainees arrives, are still the freshmen. Curiosity, uncertainty, and boredom give way to fear, self-doubt, and existential angst. “What am I even doing here?” we ask ourselves. “Why can’t I be more like so-and-so?” We stew and wallow in the smallness of our worries; then we rebound… Only to plunge right back into more of the same.
Keri Smith (one of the Coolest People Ever to Walk the Earth) sums it up brilliantly with this little scene:
(Knock at the door)
Me: (Opens door. Looks at creature wearing a t-shirt that reads “fear of failure”; the shirt is covered in bloodstains.)
“You?!?”, I exclaim, “I thought I was done with you.”
“Apparently not, since you seem a bit flustered.”
“Shit, is it that obvious? Listen, I know now that comparing oneself to others is silly. We all have different life paths, so it is a futile act to compare one with another. Each human is here to learn different things and progress in different ways.”
“So why am I here then?”
“Because I still have those days when my confidence takes a nose dive?”
“You’re human, it happens.”
“You might as well come in. We should probably sit for a while. But only for a day or so because I have work to do and I’m anxious to get back to it.”
“Why don’t we go for a long walk instead.”
“Sounds good.”
